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From what Amelia has said, it sounds as if her boyfriend thinks he can just walk all over her now, and I think he needs it brought home to him that there's a difference between being submissive and being a doormat. Buttering him up with compliments etc may not be the way to convince him of this.

by Louise C on 2005 Feb 5 - 14:45 | reply to this comment Communication, communication, communication. Boy can I sympathise with what you're going through.

This is fast becoming my mantra, but you need to find a way to communicate your worries with him. Pre-Taken In Hand / DD-ish I used find exploding in a fit of temper and yelling that I had feelings too worked - after a fashion - it would provoke a row, which then let us discuss things, but I wouldn't recommend that as an approach to anyone. The suggestion someone else made of putting your concerns in writing (paper, e-mail, maybe not text message...) is a good one - I've been able to express a lot more of how I feel at times to my husband if I write it down for him to read. Possibly point him at various websites that show both how you want things to be, and equally as important how you don't want things to be.

I'm also wondering if you need to explore why he's excercising too much control - is it simply because he's finding it exciting, or that he actually thinks you want it to that extreme, or is he also experiencing a relief at being able to take control and not being, for want of a better way of putting it, under your thumb? If it's the last one, it's not going to be an easy discussion, but it's a possibility, at least in my experience.

The other option is, I suppose, that he's trying to make it fail to prove to you how wrong you were in wanting it and that you should have listened to him in the first place. But from what you've written I'm not sure that's the most likely reason.

But you really do need to talk. It's probably going to be hard for both of you. It may take some rows or unpleasantness at first to get you past the deadlock, but once you've started talking then hopefully you should be able to get to somewhere you both want to be.

Just for background, my husband and I tried something similar to this sort of relationship several years ago, before we had any names to call it. Most of what we had as a frame of reference came from the D/s part of the BDSM community. I think we both knew we didn't want it to be a game, but we'd also got the impression that it wasn't healthy to do it as anything but a game. We went far too far, far too fast, and ended up somewhere similar to where you are now. We both got burnt.